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© Claude Morris
When you sit in your chair of an evening,
The screen of your TV to view,
Remember you’ve GOT to enjoy it,
Or you’re dollars and cents up the flue.
Do not despise the detergents,
And the soaps that you see on the screen;
You’ll find they have numerous uses
When the programs play up with your spleen.
You’ll see criminals, crime and corruption,
Detectives, detergents and dope,
Depravity, dames and delinquents,
Cigarettes, shampoos and soap.
When the taste of your tongue becomes tarnished,
While watching some wretched display.
You’ll find that an Aspro in Lysol
Can sweeten your mouth straight away.
There are models who demonstrate products,
Who think that a smirk is a smile;
Take a swig from your bottle of Ajax,
To off-set the taste of your bile.
There are wisecracks from wits that are witless,
And humour that hums pretty high;
You’ll find you can bear it much better
With lemon-charged suds in your rye.
Maniacs, mayhem and murder
Are delights for the children to watch;
For this I can recommend Lifebuoy -
Dissolve half a cake in your Scotch.
But should it be beer you are drinking,
I suggest you add Persil instead.
It whitens your gums, and by Gad, Sir,
Your glass gets an excellent head.
There are many more tips I could give you,
But space at the moment forbids.
By the way - if you doubt these concoctions,
Try them out first on the kids.
There is alcohol too, to coerce you,
But if only the sponsors would think -
There’s quite enough stuff there already,
To drive any viewer to drink.
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